rambling

Well it has been a cople of weeks since i Last blogged! Well so much has been going on and I can't even begin to think or talk about it. It just seems as though all of my feelings are mushed up into one. I have dealt with love and loss the thought of loss, fights and laughter and anger... I have delt with pain, hatred, understanding and confusion. I am so mixed up on the inside and feel like I might never feel the same again.
Somethings that I alwayas thought I could count on I can't... Some that I thought I might never be able to count on and I can... I feel as though life has passed me by and if I miss one more boat, I might actually drown. I don't want to feel like I am a pain to anyone and I want people to want to be with me no matter what...
I want hand holding and laughter, I want long taks and smiles I want to catch a glimpse from across the room that I wasn't meant to see. I want love, everlasting love . I want the hurt to go and the love to stay. I want feelings to change and inspiration to prevail.
I am so longing for things that I am not living for what I have now and it has been this way for sometime now. I want this for me and for noone else. It's like my life begain before I could ever really start being myself... I think we find ourselves on a daily basis... Like before, I never really knew that I liked to look at the mountains and that sitting still can sometimes be entertaining. I didn't know that I liked to sit alone with my thoughts and that being alone doesn't neccessarily mean that you "are alone". I want wha I want but need to find satisfaction and gratitude for what I have now. I want to have health, vigor and energy.. I want peace happiness and wealth. I want my boys to have parents that they can look up to and aspire to be like and I want a spouse who has the same intersts as I do. I feel sometimes pulled in so many directions and although I know that I am not alone, I feel like it sometimes or that noone truly understands me. Well one does but she is gone and now im left to kangaroo watch all the time by myself.. I want to work on bettering me but feel like it is a waist of time and that im a loser, but I don't want to feel that way cuz deep down I think I know differently....
love tammy